Friday, December 13, 2013

2 Months Home: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly!

It's hard to believe it was 2 months yesterday since we arrived home with the girls. It has been hard to say the least. More on that later. And today they are 11 months old!

The girls have progressed so much since we arrived home. They were barely sitting up on their own at 9 months. They fell over a lot & when they were sitting they were just leaning forward holding themselves up with their hands. They rolled but not a ton. They barely could eat baby food & that barely is generous. They both sit up great now. (although Lina doesn't like to because she doesn't want to be still) They both roll EVERYWHERE! Lina is crawling. Chelsea still has no desire to but she can shift herself in different directions & then roll to what she wants. Lina can pick up cheerios & puffs & finds EVERY spec on the floor!

They both have so much personality. Some good & some bad! Lina is usually pretty happy during the day as long as she's not tired or hungry & can move! Chelsea on the other hand is pretty whiny. She does have times of happiness but lots of times of crying if she's not being held. Lina is still waking up a LOT at night which is rough.

They are both growing really well! When we got home Chelsea was 17 lb & 26 ½ inches & Lina was 16 lb & 27 inches. Chelsea is now 19 lb & 27 ½ inches & Lina is 19 ½ lb & 27 ½ inches. They are both around the 50th percentile for weight which is amazing considering all that they had to conquer. If you remember, they were only 3 ½ lbs at birth. I asked the Adoption Clinic if they had any estimates on how premature they may have been. They can't know for sure but that weight is normal for 32 weeks but it is possible they weren't premature but just malnourished from the mother. Being preemies, twins & growing up in an orphanage environment normally produces very smaller than normal children so it is amazing how well they are doing growth wise!

As far as their health, everything is great! Other than Lina's ultra snotty nose everything is going well. She may have a milk allergy or lactose intolerance as we switched her to soy (to fix the major diaper explosions) & it worked, but we may check further to see if there's any other allergies as she is a constant faucet of snot. Her poor little nose is a mess. All of their testing for major illnesses has come back fine. They are still showing negative for HIV (yeah!). More than likely the antibodies are just from the mother & they don't have HIV. We will continue to test until they're probably 2 & all of the mother's antibodies are gone. But at this point even if they would be positive there is NO risk whatsoever as their levels are non-existant. It appears they were exposed to several things but don't actually have any of it! We're doing medication for one thing so it doesn't turn into anything which is a pain in the butt. We have to crush pills & feed it to them every day in applesauce or something for 9 months. But once again they don't actually have anything so they aren't contagious. They really are miracle babies. They have beaten all of the odds!


A few photos from our welcome home photo shoot 2 weeks after we arrived home.




Lina




Chelsea







And can't forget big brother!


Now about me... things aren't so rosy here. I have to admit I have been struggling a lot with post adoption depression. I tried to deny it & hide it but later realized that wasn't helping myself or anyone else. This is a big issue amongst adoptive families & I've found out many feel alone because it's not talked about enough. I do not feel attached to the girls at all. I have no emotions towards them. I feel numb. It's an awful feeling. When I hear them cry, I want to cry or get mad. They aren't doing anything too far out of the norm for being babies, it's me. I have a problem & needed help. I had many people urging me to go to the doctor to get on anti-depressants. I didn't want that label from taking medication. I was afraid we wouldn't be able to adopt again if we wanted to. I just want to lay around & do nothing. I also struggle with emotions about Jack feeling neglected with the girls here. I know he's struggling & it's hard on me. And I also think about our finances a lot. We are seriously in debt right now which I've never had in my life! (other than the house & car payments) We had lots of money to pay out at the end of travel, etc & I've also been off of work for 3 months without pay. I know God will take care of us but it's hard not to think about all of that debt hanging over our heads & hoping we have enough in our bank account for the next automatic bill payment!

How can I not be in love with these girls as we fought so hard to get them her? That's what I ask myself a lot & others may be asking the same of me. I mean I fought like heck. I badgered our agency (sorry WS!) & the US Embassy to speed things along to get them home. I was so in “Love” with them or so I thought. I thought all of those emotions would get us through the adjustment time here. I knew it would be hard taking care of 3 young children but I wasn't prepared for my emotions. I wasn't prepared for 2 months of no sleep. I thought I would be back in my bed within a month. I thought all of the emotional adjustment would be on them, not me. Boy was I wrong. I don't have any desire to hold them. I feel like an awful mother! Who doesn't want to hold their children? Who doesn't want to comfort a crying child? I have more emotions for other peoples children than my own. It is because I have become numb to them. I resent them for making me feel this way. I sigh every time I have to feed them or change their diaper. (Don't worry I still take care of their physical needs)

So what now? I finally broke down & went to the doctor last week. I did get an anti-depressant to help with this. It will take 4-6 weeks for it to fully work. I regret waiting so long to go & get started. I could be feeling somewhat normal by now if I didn't wait. I am so thankful I had a few people urging me to go. That I wasn't a bad mother for going. I can't worry about the possible risk of not being able to adopt. I have to take care of myself & the children I have now & then if I'm meant to adopt again later we will.

I have no doubts these girls were meant to be in our family. God orchestrated this perfectly & there's no way it would have worked the way it did without him. Everything that shouldn't have happened did & proved it was his plan. This is what I keep telling myself to get through it. That I will one day be happy & in love with them & won't be able to imagine my life without them here.

So lots of rambling but I just want to encourage other families struggling with post adoption depression to get some help. Go to the doctor NOW!!! Talk to other parents in the same situation. You are NOT alone even though you may feel like it right now.

Here are some other articles I found that may be helpful!





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